Is coaching actually just an hour of peace, love and understanding?
As a coach over the last 15 years, I have often reflected on what effect a coaching conversation can have for a person.
The way a tense body slowly relaxes during the conversation, and how the breathing becomes calmer and deeper along the way.
Even though I know I’m a competent coach, I’m definitely not a magician. So what is it about an hour of conversation that has the potential to provide so much relief, insight, or healing to the person in the spotlight?
One hour of conversation. Often repeated, but still…
It doesn’t really seem like that much, so here are my thoughts on what human needs are being met during a coaching conversation.
The conclusion is that what works get very close to the good old hippieslogan Peace, Love, and Understanding
They are relevant headlines for what I strive to give when I coach and also what we basically need as people with more or less worried minds.
Before you doubt my professionalism as a coach (does she just give them a big but expensive hug that lasts an hour or what?), — let me elaborate.
Let us start with:
LOVE
A big word, not least for a Scandinavian.
For me, love in a coaching session is meeting someone with warmth, and mentally embracing who they are. It is to make them understand that they are very welcome and that I am here for them.
Showing love is not so much a skill I learned when I took my coaching certification, but more a genuine approach to other people, and especially to the people for whom you are responsible for a short period of time.
If you can not offer them some kind of love, pass them on to someone who can.
We need an embrace. People long for love, and it is not just the romantic or erotic form of love that works.
So the first contact as a coach is to create a safe and warm space where you can be exactly who you are and not just be accepted but also valued as the person you are.
For me, signaling love and warmth is a very intuitive skill, and one that requires you as a coach to be in balance and have a mental and emotional surplus.
I do not want to say that love is all you need, but it is a really good start to the work you have to do together.
Psychological safety is the most important basis for personal development.
I also strive to give some:
PEACE
When you are a coachee and have a conversation with a professional coach, you do so because you do not have peace with yourself or at least not with all aspects of your life.
Unfortunately, most people are good at bringing themselves out of balance and peace with themselves. They are worried, ashamed, feeling uneasy or insecure about whatever they came to me about.
An important part of what I do is to offer some peace. Let us try and get those shoulders down.
The most effective way I bring some peace is to tell them that they are normal.
We actually really need to hear that. Preferably from someone that is not our mother or a well-meaning friend.
I tell them that as I see it, they react and feel exactly like many other people, including myself.
They should not feel ashamed or embarrassed about what is a perfectly human reaction to difficult circumstances.
I tell the mother of a young daughter with a mental illness that she has a huge amount on her plate and must feel really exhausted. I tell her that it is not very realistic to believe that she can do her job as usual at any time when she has to use so many resources to deal with her family situation. I tell her she probably needs some rest and we can talk about where she can find it.
I tell the very committed man that the way his body and mind react to a destructive partner at work who treats him with absolutely no respect at all is very normal, and that it is unhealthy for our whole mental system to be treated like that. I tell him that it’s okay to avoid that person and that protecting oneself should be his first priority.
I tell the woman who with a sigh realizes that she — again — repeats a destructive pattern, she has worked with all her life, that it is completely normal and will happen again and again. She is not a failure because she experiences this again, because it is part of her psychological pattern, and although she can diminish it, she can rarely escape from it. And that’s okay.
Your reactions are normal, I do not blame you, and you have no reason to blame yourself.
If you blame yourself anyway, that is actually a quite normal thing to do too. Normal, but not very helpfull.
When relevant in the situation, I tell them some of my own reactions to difficult circumstances and how I felt about them at the time.
I tell them how I work myself to not blame myself so much, and instead accept and be kind to myself.
I tell them that I am also a completely normal human being.
When I talk to people, I also give a lot of effort on the:
UNDERSTANDING
That’s where most of the work for me takes place. And understanding here means something a little different than in the hippie slogan, where understanding signals acceptance of each other.
The understanding part as a coach is to find out how the minds of others actually work. All you know is that it works differently than yours. How different? And in what ways?
What are their psychological patterns and ways of thinking?
How much challenge do they need or are capable of?
What kind of language do they respond to?
What is really behind their words?
What do they say with their body language, tone of voice and facial expressions?
What is the next question that benefits them the most?
I can not treat two people the same way because they are so unique and my job is to find out more about how their minds work and what they need from me.
Some people talk a lot on their own and have a huge amount of words to come up with. But they still need to be interrupted from time to time, and for some it requires only a small reflection of what they say, or a simple sketch on a piece of paper, and they discover something that is useful to them and are already moving forward in their process.
Others reflect long on each question, and silence becomes a common thing because they are so preoccupied with everything that goes on inside.
I sometimes talk to people that do not speak consultant language, so I need to find other ways to express myself that can match their way of thinking and expressing themselves.
Some are completely turned on to metaphors, and when we find the right image to describe whatever they are struggling with, they return to that image throughout the process.
Others get empty gazes when I try with methapors.
Some people talk a lot about concrete actions and facts and very little about feelings and sensations, and for other people the opposite is true.
It’s my detective job to find out how their thoughts and feelings work, because I’m responsible for meeting them where they are, not the other way around.
UNDERSTANDING is also the part of a conversation where my chances of failing are greatest.
PEACE, LOVE and UNDERSTANDING
As a coach, I can give love (as long as I have some left in my pocket).
I can offer peace (because I know as a matter of fact and from a long experience with people that your reactions are completely normal).
UNDERSTANDING is where I am sometimes surprised or in doubt as to whether I am using the right language or asking the right questions. This is probably also where I learn the most about us humans.
Together, PEACE, LOVE, AND UNDERSTANDING can summarize what we as humans need to gain relief, insight, or healing from what we struggle with.
No harm done to try some at home…
